Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
