question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
