"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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