she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
