rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
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