Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I just want nice things and good sex
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
