i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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