Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
