She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
