i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
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I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
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Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
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