come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
