I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
