dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
