awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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