Sponge bath it is.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
