What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
