thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
