Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
