the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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