I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
false alarm, still single
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
