We're facebook friends in real life
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
