DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
