he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
