Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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