So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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