Define "chronic" masturbator.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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