I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize