My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
