So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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