matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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