I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
