I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
