1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
