did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
This house was built for laser tag.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
