I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
