she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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