Tell her she can't have a vagina
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
