I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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