I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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