My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
