Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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