I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
is wine microwaveable?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
