I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
