Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
