I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Found your dick twin last night
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
