I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
