I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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