i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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