Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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