I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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