if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
