I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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