Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left