I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
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I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
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Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.