hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
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It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
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Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.