Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.