I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
