I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I am available for nakedness
Good news!! I can adult!! π turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ππ
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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